Overview
As your toddler develops, they’ll become more mobile and capable of doing things on their own. As their parent, you may develop higher expectations of them and their emotional behaviour. Remember this is a very difficult time for your toddler as they are learning new things all the time. You’re the best person to help them learn to get their emotions under control in the early years of development.
Challenging behaviours are a toddler’s way of expressing and coping with feelings they can’t control or understand. Sometimes they occur because of:
- Jealousy
- Tiredness
- Frustration
- Family conflict
- Insecurity
- Trouble with expression
- Medical conditions
- Developmental delays
Things to Know About Toddlers
- They’re still finding out how exciting the world is and how everything works
- They’re inquisitive and curious
- They can’t see the effects of their actions yet
- They’re learning to regulate their emotions
- They’re striving for independence
- They want to try and test everything
- They have rapid mood swings
- They have short attention spans
- They’ll test their limits and capabilities
Karitane Tip:
You are a role model for your child. They are always watching your reactions. If you yell and scream when you’re angry, you’re telling them it’s OK to yell and scream when they’re angry. Though being a parent is frustrating at times, doing your best to manage emotions well is a good goal to set. Remember, sadness, joy, anger, frustration, jealousy and curiosity are all OK – as long as we manage them appropriately.
Managing Your Own Emotions
Be aware that your toddler’s emotions can trigger a strong reaction from you. If your toddler is angry for example, it might also anger you. Helping your toddler learn to regulate their own emotions requires calm support from you in difficult times.
If you find yourself overwhelmed by emotion, it is OK to separate yourself from your toddler (provided they’re in a safe space) to give yourself time out to relax, regroup, and go help your child. This is also a great way to role model managing emotions.
Finding some ways to provide self-care is a great way to fill your cup - doing exercise, catching up with friends, reading a book, etc. Running on empty can sometimes mean when we are tired, we may be less patient.
Many great benefits arise from building up social connections. Joining playgroups can help build both your confidence and your toddler’s. These groups can also introduce alternative ways to manage emotions, which you may find valuable.
Reducing Tantrums
To a certain extent, tantrums are a normal part of childhood. Even some adults still struggle with tantrums! If your child is having trouble regulating their emotions, try these simple tips to help make their outbursts less intense and frequent.
- Be a positive role model
- Celebrate success and achievements
- Get down to their level
- Pick your battles
- Divert and distract from potential harm or bad behaviour
- Give clear, simple instructions
- Allow for a sense of independence by offering limited choices
- Allow opportunities to problem solve
- Engage with your toddler
- Acknowledge and validate their feelings
- Be consistent and predictable
Develop routines led by steady behaviour and be consistent. Our suggestions include:
Establish a good bedtime routine: Bath time, brushing teeth, quiet time, storytime, then bed.
Establish good safety rules: Hold hands in car parks and wear a seat belt in the car and pram.
Help them transition: Let your child know when an activity is about to change. “10 more minutes, then it’s time for your bath. “5 minutes until your bath." “2 minutes." “OK, it’s bath time now." Sometimes setting a timer can help with this.
Offer labelled praise regularly: Watch and Observe for things they are doing well and give labelled praise. Describe exactly what your child has done well. “Thank you for picking up the toys as I asked “For every one time we hear what we’ve done wrong, we need to hear five things we’ve done well.
Don’t ask questions if you don’t want to hear ‘no’: Instead of “do you want to have a bath?" say, “it’s time to have your bath." Giving a request as a question provides the opportunity for your toddler to refuse. Remember to transition your toddler in the activity lead-up.
Try and avoid saying the word “don’t”. Reframe to a positive. For example, say “walk slowly” instead of “don’t run”
Anticipate safety before agreeing to something: Before allowing your toddler to play in a certain area or with a new toy, assess the risk and/or harm the situation may present.
View things from your toddler’s perspective: What’s fun for you isn’t necessarily fun for them. Consider their height and imagine what they’re seeing and smelling from that level. For example, going for coffee and shopping isn’t always as fun for them as it may be for you!
Play and have fun: Doing this shows your toddler you enjoy being around them and what they’re doing is valuable. This helps build confidence and self-esteem.
Pick up on their cues: Think about what your toddler needs from you. If you’ve checked all practical things are taken care of, they may want an emotional connection. Spend some time cuddling your toddler - hold, sit and talk with them.
Encourage your toddler to speak: Help their language development by imitating any words they are trying to say, and repeating them back. This is the prime time for learning language, so talking and repeating words will help build their vocabulary.
Karitane Tip:
Toddlers need love, safety and security. They need to be heard, and to have boundaries.
Tips for Heading off a Tantrum
Observe and tune into your toddler. There are often triggers prior to an emotional outburst. These may be hunger, tiredness, or being unwell.
If you see the start of some frustration from your toddler, come in close to them.
Help in difficult scenarios: If you notice your toddler becoming upset or frustrated, offer assistance.
Be available to prevent difficult situations: Look for cues that something might be wrong. You may spot your toddler envying another child’s toy. Before they snatch it, distract them with something else to prevent aggression or a tantrum.
Use distraction to redirect attention.
Remain calm in challenging situations: This teaches your child how to manage their emotions. Your toddler won’t be able to settle if you can’t.
Talk about your feelings: Encourage your toddler to talk about their emotions and name them. For example: “You’re feeling frustrated because your puzzle won’t fit together." “It seems like you’re angry because you can’t play outside. Sometimes I get angry too."
Reinforce desired behaviour: “I’m glad you tried something new to eat." Even if your child spat it out, you’re praising the positive and minimising the negative.
Have a ‘no hurting’ rule: State this explicitly when aggressive situations arise. If necessary, remove your toddler from the scenario. Reinforce that the feelings of anger and frustration are OK, but hurting is not OK. Always be consistent with this rule.
Avoid saying ‘no’ too often: Alternative suggestions include “not now", “maybe later" and “I’ll think about it". You can also link the necessary with something to look forward to. “It’s bath time now, and then we get to read stories!"
Karitane Tip:
How you respond to your toddler influences their progression through life. Consistent warmth, safety, nurturing and affection are evidenced to improve your child’s confidence and self esteem.
Managing a Tantrum
Ensure your toddler is safe: This also means the people around you are not in harm's way. If necessary, move your child to a safe place. If you need to carry them, it’s generally safer to hold their back to your front, so they’re less likely to scratch, bite, or hit you in the face.
Stay close.
Keep calm: Though this can be difficult, it’s essential to wait and watch for cues of their needs. Their needs could change every few minutes during a tantrum.
Don’t allow violence: If they attempt to hurt you, hold their hands and say, “It is never OK to hurt someone. I can see you’re angry and I am here for you."
Offer hugs and console: As your child begins to settle, consider offering labelled praise. “I appreciate that you’re calming yourself down. Well done."
Take a moment to acknowledge your toddler’s feelings: Once calm, you can begin to analyse the cause of the tantrum. “I know you like to play – so I can understand how frustrating that must have been for you." Actively respond to your toddler’s cues. They may nod in agreement, or negotiate for more playtime.
Offer reassurance: Tantrums and discipline can be frightening for toddlers, so you need to remind them it’s OK. Cuddle them for comfort.
Redirect them after a tantrum. Be encouraging and animated.
Remain consistent: Your decisions impact your child’s behaviour. If you’ve said one thing, stick to it.
Avoid further explanations.
Speak to your toddler at eye level.
Help your child ‘let go’ of the experience.
Seeking help with persisting tantrums: Toddlers may throw frequent tantrums for many reasons. If you’re concerned about your toddler’s behaviour contact your GP, child and family health nurse, or community centre to speak to someone who specialises in toddler behaviour.
Karitane Tip:
No parent gets it 100% right all of the time. Aiming to be good enough is good enough.
